


It hurts like hell

by r0binmon



Series: Post-Finale Stories [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, Grief, Post Finale, Sad, clace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22016680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0binmon/pseuds/r0binmon
Summary: After Clary loses her memory Simon learns how to move on - and Jace has to learn as well
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis & Jace Wayland
Series: Post-Finale Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650766
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	It hurts like hell

The moment Simon found out, he had the feeling his world would fall apart. He had always been with Clary, been a part of her life for so many years. And now all of it was gone. How could it be that he didn't see it coming? Somehow he should have seen it. But he had not been alone with this. There was Jace who should have realized that something had been going on in Clary, the vanishing runes, the deep sadness, the despair. A part of Simon had wanted to make Jace the one who was guilty but he knew he wasn't. He was grieving as well. He was suffering.

One week had gone by, then another one, and yet another one and he was still waiting, hoping she'd come back, hoping the angels would have mercy. But they didn't. She was gone. With every day this realization grew bigger in him. What were just a few days, then weeks, became months. And it didn't get any easier. He saw Jace leaving the Institute every once in a while. He knew where he was going. And... he followed him. He wanted to see her himself. He knew he shouldn't. But he just had to.  
Using his vampire skills was easy and Jace was so focused on Clary he would never have seen Simon who was standing not too far away, watching Clary as well. In the beginning she had been so confused but now she was slowly finding the way that was meant for her – if all of that wouldn't have happened.

Following Jace wasn't the right thing to do and he knew. He should draw a line. Clary was safe, right? There was nothing he could do anymore but letting her go. This was something so painful to him, but the most important thing to him always had been her safety. And until now nothing changed about it, although there was Isabelle at his side.  
Every single time he came back from following Jace she knew. But it was obvious anyway with his eyes full of sorrow.

“You know you shouldn't do that” She just said.  
“Izzy...”  
She shook her head, gently placing her hand on his cheek.  
“I know you will do the right thing eventually...”  
She had to fight the urge to see Clary as well. She had told Simon that they have had the plans to become Parabatai but after Clary leaving and losing all her memories there had been no chance for them. She was grieving in her own way but sure enough it also wasn't easy for her.

Still, Jace was the one who suffered most. Clary was his everything. But it was exactly because of that, he had to move on. He had to let her go. Watching her was no good. Neither for him, nor for her. What if one day she would find someone else she wanted to be with? Simon didn't even want to find out what would happen then.

Since the vampire spent a lot of time in the institute he even realized that after a while Jace had started to smell more like Clary. At times her smell was all over Jace. It was especially in the morning that he could smell her all over him.  
“Jace...” He wanted to talk to him but the Shadowhunter seemed to know what it was about.  
“Don't. It's none of your business.”  
“You're hurting, Jace”  
It was no good. Jace left without a word. It was not the first time and also not the last time and yet it was that time he found out about what else was going on with Jace. Alec gently pulled the vampire aside.  
“Don't make him feel bad about sleeping in her room. It's what calms him, what keeps him back from hurting himself and I might be pretty selfish about this but... it's already like I lost a part of him. Losing him completely is... I couldn't bear it” Alec touched his side where the Parabatai rune was hidden under his shirt.  
“I'm sorry. I just...”  
“I know. Me too.”  
More words weren't needed between the two of them because they both understood and still, they couldn't do anything, change anything. The only thing that would bring Jace back to his usual self was Clary and nothing else.

As the time went by Simon managed to mostly keep his thoughts away from Clary. He forced himself to do so, as he knew that some day everyone would be gone. The first one he had to leave behind was his dad. He had died not too long ago and after that Luke had become his father figure. He had taken care of him, had talked with him about his responsibilities as a man – which had made him quite uncomfortable. With him also Jocelyn had been a part of his life, of his family. He basically grew up with her watching him and Clary. But this had soon been over as well, though death was something else than this situation. His mom had been the next one who was not a part of his life anymore. And while he had lost two people of his family before, he had never felt so much pain. It wasn't because she was gone, it was, because she still existed and he had watched her losing him, slowly. She had not been herself after losing her husband but losing a child just a few years after, had made her having a relapse. Hearing her crying had broken Simon's heart. And while one would think after all of this Simon should have gotten used to it already – losing a loved person was never something one could get used to.  
But one could learn to live with the hurt somehow. And he did.

A part of him wanted to show Jace how, explain it to him, make him move on. It was impossible, though. How could anyone teach another person to live with so much pain? How could anyone just tell another person to move on? It wasn't that simple. And especially in Jace's case. It had been more than just being fond of another. It had been so much more than a simple falling in love. This was deep, captivating love with all its ambivalence. It was that once-in-a-life thing that people liked to romanticize. It was breathing and drowning at the same time and this was nothing one could easily leave behind.

During the following weeks and months Simon held back. He was training a lot with Jace to join him on missions and fight side by side with other Shadowhunters. But he hardly talked about Clary anymore. There was no change. Jace's condition wouldn't become better anyway. And still, he followed him, making sure he was alright until he came back to the institute. Jace showed up at her apartment, at her school, on the way to the next store. He watched her every step. And so did Simon, though he wasn't really watching Clary but Jace. Maybe it was okay like this? Maybe this was what had to happen for him? Maybe just taking a step back wouldn't work for him? Who knew? Everyone dealt differently with losing someone. So he tried to not say anything anymore. He really did. But it was hard. Whenever he was face to face with Jace.

Just like Jace said, the training was paying off. Simon got better every day. And Jace was the perfect person to show him how to fight. He was the best fighter at the institute for a reason and maybe Simon should felt honored to be the one who could learn all these things from him. He was strong, powerful and never failed to point out a mistake Simon made, so he could avoid these mistakes again.  
But Simon also couldn't stop himself to make another mistake – talking to Jace about Clary again. He had been out again, following her around. And he could smell her all over him again. He must have been in her room tonight, though the scent was less intense than it had been months before. Finally it was disappearing and this thought was horrifying. Her room still looked like and smelled like she had left it just a few moments ago but Jace's smell became much more prominent and it wouldn't take much longer until there was nothing left of her.  
While the vampire tried to keep such thoughts away they came up every once in a while. And actually, he wouldn't know about her room if he hadn't been in there as well. He had seen Jace lying on the bed, his face buried in Clary's pillows.

“You followed her again”  
Of course Jace denied it. But Simon couldn't let it be now. He wanted to talk about this. It was one year since she was gone and while had made the promise to himself to not talk him out of everything, he just couldn't let him go on like his. Seeing Jace suffering broke his heart. It wasn't like it was easy for him to let her be. But he had to. And... at one point Jace would have to draw the line as well.

“I know how much you're hurting but she'd want you to move on, to find someone else” There they were, those words he knew wouldn't make anything better. And as soon as he saw the pain on Jace's face he also knew that this was never going to happen. There would never be anyone in his life that could become as important to Jace as Clary became.  
“There is no one else”  
Slowly Simon came closer, softly resting a hand on the Shadowhunter's shoulder. For a moment he looked at him. And although his words couldn't change something he just had to try. “You have to let her be, Jace. You have to” Tears were dwelling in Simon's eyes as well. It was not like tomorrow would be any different.

To his surprise something did change during the next days. Something about Jace changed. And while he was still following her, something was happening inside of the Shadowhunter. Simon could see it, feel it but he didn't know what it was. One part of him hoped Jace would finally find the strength to let her go but when had followed him once again to make sure he was alright. A part of himself had sworn to Clary, that he would take care of Jace, that he would make sure he'd be alright. And he would be, when visiting Maryse, right? So he left. What he was talking with her was none of his business.

Of course he also heard about the exhibition Clary would have. He heard about her paintings that might or might not resemble the institute or certain moments of her life. Even if something still was in her head... the memories of what they had experienced together were gone. Simon didn't even know if she'd recognize him as her childhood friend and he didn't want to find out. Even if he had a chance, the risks were too high that something might happen to her, when he'd talk to her.  
So he watched Jace leaving on that day. He knew he was going to see her and to see her paintings.  
“Tell me about them” Simon just said. “And tell me of her. She must be so proud”  
And so he was as well. To know that Clary finally found her way and became who she wanted to become when older was great – as long as one didn't know about all the things she lost on this way, including herself.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [Lilith_advanced](https://www.wattpad.com/user/Lilith_advanced) for letting me use some aspects of your post-finale stories


End file.
